It's the fifth annual Detroit Tigers preview brought to you by some random TV/movie celebrity. Last year was the first here at SB Nation Detroit and it was done quite unspoiled like by The Dude, who accurately predicted the Tigers would win their first division title since 1987. While it'll be hard to top The Dude, Eric Cartman has a signed permission slip from his mother and will be in charge of this year's preview. Respect his authoritahh.
Hey, dudes. I'm here because I'm hella-coo and I once won the 'Save Our Fragile Planet' writing contest. And isn't it fitting that my Kitty is in heat? Whicky-whicky scratch yo-yo bang-bang. Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save Salma Hayek from the big metal spider and then do a Tigers preview on the side.
What the hell? My mum said there would be pot pie and cheesy poofs here. But that's keww, because I've got these keww cigarettes and I'm actually a Tigers fan -- no, down Kitty! The Royals piss me off, the Twins are assholes, A.J. Pierzynski is a dildo and the Indians said my mom is 'Bear with Wide Canyon', which apparently means she's a slut, so I want them to die. Plus, I don't like poor teams. Why do poor teams always smell like sour milk? I chuck rocks at poor teams. Heh, those teams are totally scared of the Tigers.
You want me to preview the whole Opening Day lineup? I can't possibly finish this whole lineup by myself. Oh, yes I can.
1. Austin Jackson, CF
Some assholes don't think Austin Jackson is a good leadoff hitter, but he sounds sweet to me. I heard some guy named Mario call him the fire starter last year. I think he probably meant fireman. Rub his helmet and he spits in the other team's eye. You don't just chop off someone's fireman, even if he can't hack his way out of a nutsack. You know, just layin' down some bunts, with the Old English D-folk, know what I'm sayin'?
2. Brennan Boesch, RF
Oh, I had the weirdest dream last night about Brennan Boesch. I dreamt that I was a poor Vietnamese girl, and then you guys made me ride a big scary bull, and then Boesch gave me a spankin' for several hours. The chicks love Boesch, but he's sooo hella-poor, relatively skinny, and looks like an insurance salesman. If Boesch doesn't hit a lot of home runs this year and earn himself some more money, I'm going to start chuckin' rocks at him.
3. Miguel Cabrera, 3B
Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Miguel Cabrera would be a millionaire. Oh, that's an old, played out joke? Next time I'll ask my fart nicely if it wouldn't mind staying tucked away for a while! Goody two-shoes.
4. Prince Fielder, 1B
We'll never get any candy if Prince Fielder keeps eating the opposing pitchers. Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals; Prince Fielder is living proof. Beefcake!!
5. Delmon Young, LF
Goddammit! He wants to play left field and not DH. Jim Leyland needs to assert himself. Like my Mr. Kitty! When he's bad, I say "That's a bad Mr. Kitty!" and I whack him on the head! When Delmon Young doesn't get to a ball out there, you hit him with a stick and say, "Bad three-toed sloth!"
6. Ryan Raburn, DH
AH! IT'S THE SUCCUBUS. Ever wonder why Raburn can't field? Well, on his left arm, instead of a glove, he has a piece of celery. Yes. And he walks with a limp, because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but Patrick Duffy. Haven't you ever seen "Step by Step"? Anyway, Raburn lives alone on his mountain and weaves baskets and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights, you can hear him weaving his baskets... A lot of people want him to go away, like Barbara Streisand, but no, you guys, murder is never the answer. Just understand we might have to live with not being able to pee our feces in half.
7. Jhonny Peralta, SS
I had a nightmare someone else was standing out at shortstop, and there was this huge satellite dish stickin' out of his butt. There were less errors and more range, but no hits at the plate, and then he went up on the ship, and Deivi Cruz gave him pinkeye.
8. Alex Avila, C
Sticks and stones and catching every game may break his bones, but he's Jesus and you're not. Jesus was born, so Tigers fans get presents. Thank you, Jesus, for being born.
9. Ramon Santiago, 2B
Everyone else: Hey, Brandon Inge -- go away; nobody likes you. Me: Ehh, you shouldn't have done that; he's just a boy, poor little feller. It just so happens that Brandon Inge has touched my heart, is that so hard to believe? Did you know they're putting bacon inside of pancakes at Denny's?
Mr. Garrison once told me that we treat star athletes better 'cause they're better people. Justin Verlander is super kewww. Tits.
2. Doug Fister
Bradying and Tebowing is so 2000 and late. Doug Fister'ing defines our rotation. Just be careful not to get the AIDS when you're meme'ing or hanging out with the motorcycle kid from "Bad News Bears."
3. Max Scherzer
Do you believe Max Scherzer has two different colored eyes or that he's too hideously deformed to tell? This is a new time, a new era of science that only the smartest can comprehend. Whoever could do it would become rich and now the chemical formula is right before our eyes --- earned runs x nine / innings pitched. Oh, I'm the asshole for doing math? (Okay, I didn't take into account that I suck at math.)
The ladies love Rick Porcello. Can I offer you ladies a cool beverage or a tasty snack? The Tigers almost aborted this fetus and then he would've been picked up by another team for $80. Watch him become a man this year. Here, check him out. He got them from Scott Tenorman.
5. Drew Smyly
Why the hell do the Tigers keep changing their No. 5 pitcher? This HAS to be the work of Stan and Kyle. God, I hate those guys!
The Tigers this season are going to be like a life-sized Antonio Banderas blow up love doll, which comes with the realistic gen-e-tilia. I'm up to 94 pounds, thank you very much, and that's how many wins I think the Tigers will have this year. I've learned if they win too many games, they'll have to go on to the finals. If you don't believe me, then, well, I'm not going to sit here and listen to a bunch of hippies in denial. I'm done, no more baseball! Screw you guys, I'm going home!
image via the inimitable @mickeyvee