Week 8 NFL picks 2012: Grass in the face mask

Ever since the Lions lost on Monday Night and the Tigers started losing World Series games -- three now -- I've been cooped up inside my home, destroying pints of everything I can find and listening to Cyndi Lauper. I don't watch ESPN or any news channels because I'm afraid I'll stumble upon sad reminders of how depressing sports can be, how the Tigers are possibly throwing the Fall Classic. (I mean, they can't possibly be trying, right? Statistically speaking, of course. /sob/hiccup/sob.) I've been a recluse, who Tweets.

Now, this Sunday, the Lions and Tigers' seasons hang in the balance. If the Lions lose to the Seahawks at Ford Field, they will fall to 2-5 and it'll be, well, like a 3-0 hole in the World Series without home field advantage. If they win, they improve to 3-4 and their season is very much alive, although they'd obviously still have some digging left to do.

The Tigers play Sunday night across the street. Game 4 will feel mostly like a formality. The Giants have to win four games to officially be champions again, so there are motions to go through. However, if the Tigers haven't packed all their bats away for the winter fires yet, Scherzer pitches like he has for most of this season and the Tigers somehow win, hope could be re-seeded. Justin Verlander, still the best pitcher in baseball, would have demons to exorcise in a Game 5 and then, boom, the Tigers could all of a sudden be on a plane back to San Fran for Game 6 and a potential Game 7 where all bets are off. Oh dear, I've gone cross eyed.

Sunday could be either reinvigorating or completely soul crushing. If both of my teams lose, I might as well choose to come down with appendicitis, as if that were in my control like deciding to stab myself in the stomach (honorably, of course). Then, I'd curl up into a ball on the couch, bleeding out, with a bowl of ice cream covered in syrupy Pepto Bismol, turn on CNN and see that there are actual real problems in this messed up world, like Honey Boo Boo and politics.

Aye. And my picks ...

Wait, is that good?

Chargers (-2.5) over BROWNS

Well, Fire Norv if not!

LIONS (-2.5) over Seahawks

PACKERS (-13) over Jaguars

No Jordy Nelson, but Aaron Rodgers will probably find someone else to carry the shine box.

TITANS (-3.5) over Colts

Chris Johnson is officially back. The Titans' defense is still not.

STEELERS (-5.5) over Redskins

Dink and dunk. Don't take no for an answer.

Dolphins (+2.5) over JETS

Here is a baby kangaroo yawning:

CHIEFS (-2.5) over Raiders

Puke Gif Game of the Week

Patriots (-6.5) over RAMS

Oh, they're in London, mate. Bill Belichick dunno rabble rabble.

Saints (+7.5) over BRONCOS

You could say that Drew Brees has the Saints going in ... One Direction, the right direction. /yeahhhhh

49ers (-6.5) over CARDINALS

The Cardinals are a mess.

TEASERS (+14)

Bucs (+21) over VIKINGS

You're just going to have to trust me here. I won money on this.

Panthers (+21) over BEARS

Falcons (+16.5) over EAGLES

I know the Falcons are undefeated and due for a stinker, but my hope here is that the Eagles dwelled over that demoralizing choke job against the Lions during their bye week. I'm hoping their own field gives them nightmares of that game. Remember that pain, Eagles, and don't even think about using that as motivation.

COWBOYS (+16) over Giants

This average difference in the Cowboys/Giants games in recent years is weeeee and Jerry Jones says controversial thing.

Last week: 8-5
SEASON: 65-37-2