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Week 14 NFL Picks: Holy Schwartz And Pants, A Visceral Thrill Ride

At 103-89, I'm ranked No. 129 out of 1,000 in my PoolTracker league. Here are my fantastic Week 14 picks.

I want to take this time to make something very clear: this has been the funnest Lions team to root for since I can remember. They're freaking talented, they keep me on my toes, and they're 7-5 (despite a lot of injuries to key skill players). I can't ask for anything more from a team that was 0-16 three years ago and 1-11 just 12 months ago. Thank you, Lions; I look forward to the captivating playoff run. 


Now, to the picks: 

Browns (+14.5) over STEELERS 

I guess this is the one time I need to prove I'm not lying:


BENGALS (-3.5) over Texans

Houston's six-game winning streak ends when Jake Delhomme and Jeff Garcia breathe on T.J. Yates during a late timeout. 

LIONS (-7.5) over Vikings

I played this one out on Madden12 on my iPhone. Lions rout and Jared Allen contracts deadly schism from Visanthe Shiancoe's jock strap. 

Saints (-3.5) over TITANS

New Orleans needs this after all they've been through in the last few days. 

Eagles (+3.5) over DOLPHINS

Michael Vick in this pick, Do ... lphins fall back.

JETS (-9.5) over Chiefs

Woah, a good Mark Sanchez performance

Patriots (-6.5) over REDSKINS


PANTHERS (+2.5) over Falcons

I have trouble picking the Falcons to lose two straight, especially since I think they'll be the Lions' fellow wild card holders. But clearly success is getting to Cam Newton and everybody is trying to be superman. 

JAGS (+0.5) over Bucs

It looks like Josh Johnson, 0-5 as a starter, will be starting at QB for the Bucs. He had to get his shoulder popped back into place to continue playing last week while Josh Freeman recovers from "painful" throwing shoulder. That sounds backwards. 

Colts (-16.5) over RAVENS

The 0-12 Colts are 2-4 against the spread on the road. I think they'll be 3-4 after this game. That's not what I call Suck4Luck.

BRONCOS (-3.5) over Bears

No Cutler? No Forte? 


Tim Tebow, yous a dick.

CARDINALS (+3.5) over 49ers

It's the NFC West Champions hang over. 

CHARGERS (-6.5) over Bills

Both of these teams were 4-1 at one point. Now, they're both 5-7. Unless they tie, they can't keep pace through Week 14. Chargers might as well win by a touchdown at home.

PACKERS (-11.5) over Raiders

I'm torn. Lions play the Raiders in Oakland next week and surely this game will affect how they come out to play. Ultimately, I've decided that if the Packers completely demoralize the Raiders, their second drubbing in as many weeks, there is no way the Raiders  will be mentally stable enough to handle the must-win Lions and a fresh-out-of-the-asylum Ndamukong Suh

COWBOYS (-3.5) over Giants



SEAHAWKS (-6.5) over Rams

Looks like ice cream to ESPN, but just looks like gooey shit to me. Gersploosh.

Last week: 8-8

Season ATS: 103-89

Standings vs. commenter(s), my brother (W-L ... GB):

ME: 103-89 ...  --
D.P.: 102-90 ... 1 GB  (10-6 last week)