By now, you've all heard about, and perhaps you're even sick of, Charlie Sheen's rants, quotes, and tendency to be winning. Some say he's certifiably crazy (to which he has said he's bi-winning) and some say it's all an act. But you can never really be sure of a man who has a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a seven-year-old, right? Whatever he is, that brain of his has churned-up some great quotes that are becoming quite meme-y and rewarding him with all kinds of attention. I mean, I love you violently with the fire of 1,000 suns should be on a Hallmark card (love always, Gnarls Gnarlington).
And all these golden quotes naturally had me thinking about some of the best quotes in Detroit sports history. Some came to mind immediately, while others I had to do some researching (thanks to my Twitter followers for some help leading me in the right direction). So, without further fluff, the top 10 off-the-wall quotes in recent Detroit sports memory*:
1. "I told you them bandwagon-ass cats were going to jump on board"
Former Piston Rasheed Wallace has plenty of great quotes to his name, but this one comes to mind first. I hate bandwagon-ass cats.
2. "[You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban] may seem kind of cheesy, sappy, what have you. I’ve been listening to it the last couple of weeks and kind of gets the mood we’re in right now."
Rich Rodriguez was fired shortly thereafter.
3. "I'm like that big buck that's in the field. They're trying to hunt him down, trying to shoot him. I just keep dodging those bullets. Everybody wants my rack on the wall."
This Wayne Fontes quote is digging a little deeper into the archives, but I had to follow up a soft football coach quote with something a little more Charlie Sheen-ish.
4. "I believe in the invisible. I do."
Nobody was as delusional as former Lions head coach Rod Marinelli.
5. "I'll keep to myself what I think we actually will win. But it's more than 10 games,"
I stand corrected: Jon Kitna. This was his prediction for the 2007 Lions after winning three games in 2006. They won seven games after starting 6-2. Winning, anyone? Not the Lions.
6. "Even the gorilla at the top of the building knows that."
Another oldie, but a goodie. You can't have the best off-the-wall quotes in Detroit sports without including the late Tiger great skipper Sparky Anderson. This one is my new go-to for pointing out the obvious.
7. "I’m rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?"
While we're doing blasts from the past, here's a great Lou Whitaker quote after arriving to a player's union meeting in a stretch limo. Earn yourself.
8. "I like to handle the puck and dangle, dangle."
You have to cut Pavel Datsyuk some slack because there's a bit of a language barrier at play here, but that's what leads to nuggets like this. (Not Detroit, but also see Evgeni Malkin and Hedo Turkoglu interviews for more hilarity.)
9. "Want to wrestle? I could body slam you."
I've said Phil Coke's personality is like a Charlie Sheen favorite, Brian Wilson, and it's on display with this quote, which was apparently his random response to a reporter's innocent question.
10. "I lit up two Marlboro's at the same time at 3 a.m., washing it down with a glass of chocolate milk."
Charlie Sheen uses chocolate milk to help him stay away from his addiction, while Jim Leyland mixes it with his. This was one of Leyland's many awesome quotes when asked how hard the decision was to let Gary Sheffield go before the 2009 season.
And three bonus quotes to reward you for reading this far ...
Bonus 1: "Buffoonery. Do you all know what that means?"
This Tayshaun Prince quote came after Richard Hamilton was somewhat inexplicably benched by head coach John Kuester. Buffoonery could be used to describe the entire state of the Pistons, and it's even funnier coming from the often soft-spoken Prince.
Bonus 2: "Do you know who I am? You don't know anything about me and my problems."
I didn't want to encourage a quote like this Miguel Cabrera one by putting it up above because it's pulled from a police report, but it's pretty great in and of itself.
Bonus 3: "I'm not his kind of guy? Why, because I was cordial in the production meeting? Because I tried to be articulate? Because I smile when I play? Because I enjoy myself out there? I'm not a Billy Bad-Ass? I was raised a certain way. I was raised to be polite."
This is how a Joey 'Blue Skies' Harrington rant reads. And he got this worked up over something Tony freaking Siragusa said. Charlie Sheen is not impressed.
Now, of course, this list is not exhaustive, so please share any I missed in the comments.
*Reading these quotes as if Charlie Sheen was delivering another one of his cosmic fastballs might make them sound even better. Duh.